As a yoga teacher, I’ve always understood the importance of breath, movement, and mindfulness in managing stress. But as a mum—especially to a teenager with autism—I’ve learned that regulating my own nervous system isn’t just for my own well-being; it’s essential for my family’s too. This journey into co-regulation has been nothing short of transformational, not just for me, but for my 16-year-old son and my 13-year-old daughter.
What is Co-Regulation?
Co-regulation is the process of using our own calm, regulated state to help someone else regulate theirs. It’s a biological need; humans, especially children, rely on attuned relationships to feel safe and supported.
For years, I tried teaching my children self-regulation tools—deep breathing, mindfulness, movement—but I missed a crucial piece: they couldn’t regulate if I wasn’t regulated first.
How Stress Showed Up in Our Home
Like most families, we’ve had our share of stressful moments—school pressures, sensory overload, teenage emotions, and the relentless busyness of modern life. When my daughter experienced meltdowns, my initial response was often to problem-solve or correct rather than connect. When my son felt overwhelmed with school stress, I’d try to offer logical solutions rather than acknowledging his emotional state.
But logic doesn’t soothe a dysregulated nervous system. Connection does.
The Shift: From Reacting to Regulating
I started making small, conscious shifts in how I responded to stress in our home:
Regulating myself first – Before responding to a moment of chaos, I’d take a deep breath, soften my posture, and ground myself.
Non-verbal connection – A gentle hand on my daughter’s back, soft eye contact, or simply slowing my breath in her presence made a noticeable difference.
Matching their nervous system, then guiding them to calm – When my son was upset, I’d meet him where he was emotionally before gently slowing my speech and energy.
Breathwork as a shared practice – Instead of telling my kids to “breathe,” I’d do it myself, audibly and intentionally, allowing them to mirror my calm rather than forcing it.
How It Transformed Our Family
The biggest shift wasn’t just in my children’s responses, but in our relationships. My daughter, who often found verbal communication difficult, started seeking me out more in moments of stress, knowing I was a safe space. My son, who used to bottle things up, began expressing his emotions more openly, feeling heard rather than “fixed.” And for me? I felt less drained, less reactive, and more present in my parenting.
Co-regulation isn’t about being a “perfectly calm” parent—it’s about showing up with awareness, meeting our children where they are, and creating a foundation of safety in moments of dysregulation.
Bringing Co-Regulation Into Your Own Life
If you find yourself constantly firefighting stress in your home, try this:
Pause before reacting. Take a breath, check in with your own state, and soften your tone.
Offer presence, not pressure. Sometimes, just being there without the need to “fix” is enough.
Use breath, movement, and touch mindfully. These small actions can help signal safety to your loved ones.
Be patient with yourself. We all have moments of dysregulation—self-compassion is part of the process.
Through co-regulation, I’ve learned that calm is contagious. The more I embody it, the more my family absorbs it. And in a world that often feels overwhelming, that’s the greatest gift I can give them.
